Slow starting but starting.

Ok. So I have written in my food journal for 3 days. I have stayed (barely) in my calorie range but gone over on fat. Still have loads of improvement, but at least getting going again. Shared my blog address on facebook so now all will know.  Yikes. Much pressure now to put my money where my mouth is.  I have good support. I wish like crazy I would just get myself to the gym.  No more excuses. Just do it right? I got a couple of different job opps today and hope that they pan out and then my life will be much easier without the job I dont like right now.  What a sweet day that will be to say good bye to that.  I love mornings as I get older and I would love to be able to excercise in the am. Just not at 5 or 6 am. 8 would be good. Anyway. I'm starting again. So that is good.

EXCUSES

Disorganization. That is my middle name I think. When I get too much activity going I don't stay on track very well. My activity has been working 40-50 hours a week for the last 3 months. And that doesn't count the 45 minute commute or the weekends or evenings on call. Or the massages done in between. And throw in a little traveling, company, a couple of school concerts, a play, some football games, craft club, etc etc etc. You get the picture and that is my excuse. And that is just that. AN EXCUSE. You know the saying don't you? Excuses are like, (can I say Rectums), everybody's got 'em and they stink. So I am through with excuses and ready to get back at it. I knew this would be hard and I am not going to quit. I won't let my family and me down. I have regained 5 pounds and don't want anymore. So today I logged my food and exercise and posted to my blog.

Staying on Track

Staying on track is hard for me. I don't know why. Disorganized? Something in my childhood creeping up? Just don't really want to? Too hard? I don't know but it certainly is.  The last 3 weeks have found me back at work full time and because I am just pooped at the end of the day I just don't get it done.  I certainly don't have time during the day. And by the time the evening comes I am tired and don't want to. All excuses I know. And I also know I MUST change that about myself.  I have stuck to this long enough that I am still very aware of my food choices, but I will soon be back in old habits and gain back my lost weight if I don't MAKE time to do it.  I haven't lost anymore weight and I will not make goal if I don't get it together. Pray for me please. I do NOT want to return to former weight and I don't want to be 5 years at it either.

FIRST GOAL ATTAINED!!!!!!

Today I am very happy to say I met my first 3 month goal.  I am currently 276 pounds. Down a total of 18 pounds from when I started.  Let's review the goal:

July 21-Oct. 21, 2010 starting weight: 294 check
Goal: 15-20 pound loss for weight of 274-279 check
I follow a 1500-1800 cal. per day diet plan. that has changed since I added some exercise and am following spark people's suggestion. It is usually  1700-2100 or so depending on amount of exercise.
I keep a food journal and I map out my meals before the day begins and stick to the plan. mostly check. Have missed some days, usually when I am busy.  I must watch it very closely or else I slip into old habits very easily. Sticking to plan is harder without writing it down.
I keep a written log of every single thing that goes in my mouth (in case I am human and mess up) see above.
I drink 1/2 my bodyweight in ounces per day. (and baby that is alot right now) have probably only done this 1/3 of the time.  I try, but that is alot of water.  I start everyday with that goal though, and I really think it is a very important part of the plan. 
I do not eat any more after the last meal of my day. 90% of the time. Still striving for 100%
I walk 3 times a week for 30 minutes. No check. Started out good first month, but have fallen off the wagon in this area.  Exercise seems to be a very hard challenge for me. A goal to continue to strive for.
I concentrate on eating slower. Needs improvement still. Takes a very concious effort for me.
I read stories that inspire of those who have conquered their weight. Have not done daily but have done alot. It is helpful.
I hang visible reminders in my view to remind me continually of my pledges and goals. This I have not done. I think it would help though.  Since I have had success I haven't been as motivated to do this, but I know a time will come that I may NEED this.
I share this plan with family and accept their support. I make a contract with them. check. Will you guys review as well and add or change or not?

My family and a few close friends have been so supportive of me and I am most grateful.  The journey is a long one and far from over, but I know you will all be there for me. Thank you so much.  I like the way the goals are divided into 3 month increments. I feel excited and motivated like a new beginning to stay on track and fix what needs fixed.  18 more pounds and I will surely be noticing a big difference. I am ready now to invite some of my other friends and family to join me in my journey now.  This feels great now, I can't even imagine what it will be like when I lose all the weight I want. I look so forward to that day. 

New Goals Review:
Oct. 21 - Jan. 21, 2011 current weight: 274-279 (now 276)

Goal: 15-20 pound loss for weight of 254-264 (256-261)
I continue all the above and review the contract, visible reminders and check in with support. Make any changes needed. work on
I keep a food journal and I map out my meals before the day begins and stick to the plan
I keep a written log of every single thing that goes in my mouth (in case I am human and mess up)
I drink 1/2 my bodyweight in ounces per day
I do not eat any more after the last meal of my day
I increase 30 minute walk to 6 days per week. Need to meet this goal first: I walk 3 times a week for 30  minutes

I work on possible emotional reasons for weight being out of control. I lose 20# by my 47th birthday.

Small Success

I lost another 2 pounds. Again. I am smiling. I am back to the lowest I have been in a long time. 3 more pounds and I will have reached the high end of my 15-20 pound weight loss goal.  And I have 8 more days to do it.  I am going to try. If I only lose 1 or 2 though I am still in the goal and will have succeeded.  I am so happy that I have stuck to the plan for the most part.  Some bad times, but mostly good.  I will have to improve some things if I want it to keep coming off I know.  But for now it is good.
The whole family was here last weekend. Loved it so much!!

No Wonder

Well I have been avoiding this post.  Not doing so hot on the diet.  Been here before.  I just don't understand myself sometimes.  I have lost 25 pounds in the last year.  Could I just keep it up? I am going to try not to be hard on myself but I am a little unhappy with me today.  I gained 2 pounds since last weigh in.  I wanted to lose 3 more before my family came to visit this weekend. Not going to happen even if I starve myself. Literally. Anyway I fell off the wagon, ate peanuts and candy corn, ice cream cake, pizza, cookies, lots of snack crackers, some dips, some chips. Failed to write stuff down.  Why did I even buy some of that stuff? A Halloween tradition, a birthday, a trip out of town and unorganization.  Oh my how easy it is (even after nearly 3 months) to slip right back into terrible habits.  The difference this time is that I will reorganize myself and get back to it.  I can do this. I have been doing this.  Goal this week: Do NOT overeat or eat badly because family is here. This is no excuse.  Remember that I NEVER want to go back to previous weight.  No matter how many times I fall, I will pick myself up and keep going. 

Never giving up

I love some of these quotes I get from SparkPeople. They are not only good for my dieting mind but also for life in general sometimes. I hope you are inspired as well.

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.


- Chinese Proverb


Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps.

What do you stand for?

"Stand for something or fall for anything.

                                       - Anonymous

Have you ever thought about the power of having a purpose? Everyone needs something that gets them moving in the morning, keeps them going through the day, and makes them continue to work toward a goal. Take some time to think about the activities you are involved in and how they relate to your personal purpose. For the activities that don't serve your purpose, ask yourself why you continue with them. Perhaps you need to reevaluate your commitments and renew your conviction toward your purpose. "

This comes from my spark people website. Quote of the day. I liked it alot.

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. -unknown

Taking the more difficult road to success

Cheating to get ahead might get you the grade or promotion, but in the long run it really sets you back. Intelligence, creativity, hard work, and solid character--the things that propel you forward--are not fostered by taking the easy way out. You don't earn anything by short-cutting your work. You're only cutting your potential short. Sure you might feel relieved that a stressful task has passed, but an undeserving sense of relief doesn't compare to the gratification of knowing that you completed your own work. If something in your life is difficult, meet it head on and earn the satisfaction of earning a job well done--with honesty and integrity.

This was the quote of the day over at Spark People where I keep track of my weigh loss and food intake.

Keeping My Hands Busy

A little inspiration

A little inspiration I got from Spark People today.
Plant seeds of expectation in your mind; cultivate thoughts that anticipate achievement. Believe in yourself as being capable of overcoming all obstacles and weaknesses.
- Norman Vincent Peale

month 2, week 8, day 62

Tomorrow marks the end of month 2 in my quest for a new thinner, healthier, happier me. 62 days into this and I am down 14 pounds. Which is truly on track.  I feel bad sometimes because I don't stick to it everyday and every meal.  But when I look at the overall picture, I AM indeed getting there.  It is just so easy to look at the day or the hour and get all discouraged.  This morning when I sat down to write, I was feeling like it was slipping away. I have been lax and haven't been keeping track of food consumed and lax (more like lack) on exercise.  In reality it has just been a week since I last walked but if you asked me before I looked it up I would have said it had been longer than that.  My point in all this is, I think I have given up in the past
too soon, thinking I wasn't succeeding.  Don't get me wrong, I need to get focused again and get busy, but at least I am "seeing" some of the problems.  I had to MAKE myself sit down and write today. So easy to slip back into the old way.  And then before you know it, you have gained all the weight back and wonder what happened.  So today I vow to reread my contract (esp. #5-11) and get it back together.  I have said it before, but I have to keep trying. 

Not doing so hot

Ok. So I have not had a good week.  Not horrible but not good as far as dieting goes. I have not written everything down and I only exercised once. I gave a couple of massages which certainly helps but I only walked once.  And this was after I set a new little attainable goal. One day I ate almost 3000 calories.  That's almost enough to gain a pound. I worked at my nursing job last week and couldn't seem to stay out of  the "office goodies" despite bringing my own food.  So I must tell myselft not to give up and to keep going and see the end prize.  I tend to feel like I will never make it. That this goal is far to big and hard.  Sheesh. That is how it feels. So now I guess I need to call in the troops, SOS, get the reinforcements to steer me back on track cause I certainly don't seem to be able to do it myself.  One thing though, I know my clothes feel a little better and I do NOT want to return to them feeling too tight.  So hear my cry family and help me in my hour of need.

New little goal.

Today I am inspired by a future event. My kids and other family will all be visiting in one month from now.  We are going to go to a football game and watch Travis play in the band and get a family picture taken.  This morning it dawned on me to set a new little goal.  I would like to be down 6 more pounds which would make me down a total of 20.  Some of them haven't seen me since before I started this "adventure" and I hope there will be a small noticable difference. That seems to motivate me so I am set to try.  I needed some new motivation because I am slowly shirking the exercise I need to do.  So now I am moved to go to the gym. 

ahhhh....happiness

I can say today I feel very content and happy. Even though yesterday my basement flooded causing me some negative feelings and I ate a sonic hamburger and fries. Did I win the lottery? A new car? All my kids moved home? No none of those.  I was home, got my grocery shopping done, helped my older boys with some things, watched my youngest at a swim meet, and talked "cupcake shop" with my daughter.  Then I gave a friend a massage.  I lost 4 pounds this week and on top of it all the weather is so awesome, cool enough to open the house.  And my husband got home 3 hours earlier than expected.  I am just so glad to not be stressed out working day in and day out plus taking call and doing stressful work.  The money is sure not as good, but it's ok.  There is so much more to this life than money and things.  For the first time in my life I can say I have a job that I would do even if I didn't get paid.  I love it.  Contentment changes so much.  Some of the same problems come, but now dealing with them is easier.  I will NEVER go back the way it was.  Don't worry though, Brad I WILL work and make some money. 

Trying not to be Discouraged.

I am going through the hard time that I always do around this time in the diet. (a month to 6 weeks into it).  I am currently in the 6th week of my "lifestyle change".  I have stalled out the last couple of weeks and haven't lost any weight.  That is sooo discouraging.  You feel like what the heck? I have stayed in my caloric range and met my exercise goals.  This is usually the hard time and usually the time I give it up.  However, looking back 6 weeks ago.... I have lost 8-10 pounds (if fluctuates), is half way to my 3 month goal, so that is good. I KNOW I have lost inches because I can feel it in my clothes and see it in my clothes (be it small but it is there).  So I feel the need to reread my goals and contract which I did.  It made me feel better anyway and I WILL keep going. I upped my exercise goals a little earlier too.  From 30 minutes 3 times per week to 30 minutes 5 times per week.  STICK TO IT, STICK TO IT, STICK TO IT..................I may need to say that 100 times.  Now is the time for visuals too I think.  I had not done that yet, because I thought I was doin ok without. I need something I see daily all over the place to remind me.
On a happier note...our oldest son Tyler came to visit last week.  I loved having him here.  He is becoming so wise and grown up in a lot of ways.  (he is 23) I love seeing the adult he is becoming and I love who he is.  Of course God gets all credit, but it also a very nice compliment as a parent. 

Friends with My Body?

"Exercise for the “right” reasons. There aren’t many bad reasons to exercise of course, so in a pinch you should take advantage of whatever gets you going. But certain attitudes and approaches will help you get a better self-esteem boost. It helps a lot, for example, to tell yourself that you are working out because it is good for your body and you want to take good care of your body. When you do that, you affirm that you and your body are friends—not enemies—and you open yourself up for healthy communication with your body, allowing it to tell you what you need. This will work much better than setting out to burn calories so you can get rid of all that ugly fat you can’t stand."  My inspiration for today. An exerpt from an article I read on Spark People today.   http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=591

I never thought of "being enemies with my body" That could very well be a reason for this battle for so long. I think I will try "being friends" and see what happens.

Numbers

I wonder if it would help to think of this as just a bunch of numbers. People in sales are taught not to get discouraged when they hear a no because that is just one more no till they hear a yes.  Just a matter of numbers and if you keep perservering you will get the number of yeses you want.  Just play with the numbers of calories and you will be able to eat a lot and still be healthy. Minutes of exercise is just a number to count. When you reach the magic number it is over.  Some numbers only matter today, because they will change tomorrow.  If you pay attention to the numbers you will not let too many get by you if you don't want them to, and you can smile at  the numbers that are going the direction you want them to.

Some of my numbers today:

       9  hours of sleep I got last night
  284  my current weight
229 1/8  inches I measured on my body
3600  steps I took while walking the dog
    45   minutes to complete walk
      1.5  miles covered in walk
    91  temperature during walk
    80   percent of humidity during walk
  160   heart rate at hardest part of walk
1700   calories consumed 
    12   glasses of water consumed
bajillion  times I have had to go to the bathroom because of water consumption
      6  errands ran
    76  dollars spent 
    16  dollars saved with coupons
      4  paint chips taken to Paradise for new spa room color where I start working Sept. 1
      3 massage appointments on the books (at home not Paradise)
  250  points earned on Spark People
      5 weeks since I last saw Tyler and Ashley & Hunter
    14 days since I last saw Trey
    36   hours since I have seen my husband
      1  hours I have seen Travis since yesterday
     10 time I am crawling in bed tonight

Might sound goofy, but that is my thought for today.

          

Week 5, Day 31

Well I have made it to the gym 2 times in 3 days.  That is big for me.  I will go tomorrow and that will make 3 times this week and that would be the first time I have truly stuck to 3 times per week exercise.  Exercising kicked my butt today.  I couldn't figure why.  When I sat down to write my intake for the day, I think I may have found the answer.  For starters, according to Spark People, I should be eating 1700-2100 cal per day. So I upped the calorie intake.  Next my goal is to burn 323 cal.  Well I reached the calories burned goal and then some. However, before I sat down to dinner tonight, I realized I had only consumed slightly over 400 Cal so far. So when I was exercising I had no energy.  I am not certain that is it, but I am wondering.  I got so much water in today.  95 oz at the time of writing this.  It isn't quite half of my body weight (that would mean I need 50 more oz) but it is very good for me.  And several days I have tried to cram the water in late in the day and into evening.  Then I wind up getting up 2 or 3 times in the night.  Yuck, I think I will try harder to get it in earlier in the day.  I put on a pair of pants yesterday and a pair of jeans today that have been so incredibly tight and they both fit nicely and I didn't feel my breath was cut off.  I have also been wearing some underwear that was too tight and small.  So even if the pounds aren't melting too quickly, the inches are revealing success. Little victories. Now when I can walk into Victoria's secret and buy a pair of underwear, that will be one happy day for me.  I am buying a bra too (I hear they are the best). It will be so nice to buy things from regular sized stores.  I can't wait!!!!!!

My family.

My best source of support and encouragement. I do believe I am the biggest ever in this photo.  Take about a year ago at Trey's high school graduation night.  I am 17 pounds lighter since then.  I can't wait to be at a healthy weight.

Week 4 Day 28

Yikes!!!!!!!!! Aaarrrggghhhh! You have no idea how much courage it is taking me to do this.  But I must. And I am sure it will pay off in the end.  How did I get this way??? Well I know how, technically, but geez!! This is awful.  I have to stop before I start crying.  That does not help.  Anyway, I am down another 3 pounds.  I love tracking my intake on Spark People.  It really helps.  When I make myself write on this blog it helps too.  Keeps me on track, I guess.  It has been one month and I am on track where I should be. I am down a total of 9 pounds. (my goal was 5-7 pounds a month or so-15 to 20 in 3 months actually) Which is awesome. Another 9 pounds and I should really notice a difference.
Things I am doing well:
Journaling my food intake.
Journaling on my blog.
Recognizing eating when hungry vs. eating related to stress.
Things I need to work on:
Exercising 3 times per week.
Water intake.
Negative thoughts of myself.

Week 4, Day 26

Today I joined Spark People (http://www.sparkpeople.com/) .  It is a free website for helping people to lose weight. Actually it is not just about weight loss it helps a person get on track for good health or stay on track for good health. A whole community with so much information I am overwhelmed. But it has a great nutrition and fitness tracking system and I think it will be great.  Some great inspirational stories too.  I love reading how people lost 50, 75, 100 pounds.  It is so encouraging.  I stayed in my calorie limit today and learned from spark people that I could use a little more calcium and potassium.  Good to know. 

Tomorrow I interview for a Massage job.  Please pray for me as I decide what to do.

week 4, day 25

 I was doubly inspired today. First,  I worked at my home health job.  I saw overweight, depressed, smoking, dirty, sick people who have lost control of their lives. And not necessarily because life dealt them a bad hand.  They don't make good choices.  When I see a diabetic who is drinking regular pop and makes every excuse in the world for not getting up out of the chair, I feel they are only feeding their disease.  I don't want to be there. When I see another diabetic who hasn't gotten out of bed by noon and hasn't taken their blood sugar, insulin or eaten...how much of that is "bad luck".  Or let me tell you about the most precious 82 year old who has never smoked, was athletic and fit for many of those years (believe me you can look at him and tell) and was a US Navy Pilot. He recently had a stroke and can't drive anywhere and his wife same age just had heart surgery and can't drive either. This weekend they have no food in their cabinets and no money to buy any. He needs medicine he can't afford to prevent another stroke.  Government funding has been cut and so they can't have meals on wheels.  They have no family close. Go back to the diabetics who live with their kids, all are low income and receive food stamps, have medical cards to pay for meds, have multiple kids, and also have all the food they need and big screen tv's. On top of that they blame others for their problems.  How does that happen? Now don't for one second get me wrong.  There are people who are trying and need help, but do they need it anymore than the sweet 82 year old man? I see this more often than I can say.  I try to be compassionate, but it is hard seeing things like that. I don't want to end up like that. I am sure there are circumstances in these situations, but in the end we have control.  I decide to exercise or not. I decide to eat cookies, drink pop, or not. I decide to take my medicine correctly or not.  I decide to do whatever it takes to not weigh 300 pounds or not. And so today I am motivated to continue my quest for good health. 

The second is in my daughter's blog today.  http://www.gogreeno.blogspot.com/ Can I just say this is one great woman? She certainly doesn't give herself enough credit, but she is awesome.  She inspires me in more ways that one and sometimes I can't believe she is mine. What a joy and a blessing she is.  Can you tell I love her with all my heart?
Well anyway, her blog today is 25 things she wants to do while she is 25.  I love it.  Writing it down. Making it tangible.  I would like to make a list of my own and that  is going to take some thought.  Things I would like to do in the next year.  To accomplish even some of the things would be great.  It is great to believe and do it instead of just dreaming and 30 years later you are still saying "gosh I would love to someday......................."
I have taught my kids for their whole lives and now, it's funny, they are teaching me. May I never be so rigid and set in my ways that I can't learn.

week 4 day 24

Well, I haven't done so hot.  I have failed to write and read my inspiring articles daily.  I don't think I have gone over calories too much, but that's just it. I have gotten a little lazy about finding out the calorie count. I have eaten some things that are difficult to count.  I have been to the gym just 4 times since I joined, which is better than none.  And I have continued to write my intake, all of it, in a journal.  So lots of improvement still needed. But I will get it done.  I didn't lose any weight this week. (Not surprised).  But I am still on track to lose my goal for first 3 months.  Just writing today gets me motivated.  This seems to be a really important component.  Also it is a must to keep the right foods in the house.  Hope is not lost. 

Week 3, Day 20

Today was pretty good.  I stayed in the calorie limit (under by quite a bit actually) but I was way short on fruits and vegetable.  I am out right now and need to go grocery shopping.  That is so important. I do way better when all the stuff I need is in the house.  Anyway, will keep on truckin.  I got the massage room cleaned and did my first massage in the new Massage for Wellness massage therapy room.  It was great. It needs paint, holes fixed and a lamp.  I think I will take my kids up on their offer to come home and help.  I imagine they will be wanting massages for payment. :-). It is a good calorie burner for me, so I will be happy to oblige. Trey made it safely to Colorado and hit the streets in search of a job. Brad made it home safely as well. I think Zeke(family dog) misses Trey and Max(Trey's dog) already. He was rather subdued and quiet today and when Brad came home Zeke was all over the place with excitement and couldn't wait to run outside.  Sadly he didn't find them, so Brad will have to do for now. He doesn't eat when he is sad or stressed. I will take note.

Week 3, Day 19

Today stinks a little.  Trey is off to Colorado to live with his sister and go to school. Just what kids who grow up are supposed to do.  As a mom it just makes me so sad right now.  I try not to be, but I love them so much. I want them to "grow and go" but I just want them to live down the street.  Well, needless to say, I didn't do so hot on the eating.  I ate 2 pieces of cake and licked the cake batter spatula and licked the frosting spoon.  aaaaarrgggghhhh.... also I ate a sandwich (good) for supper but then when Trav came home with friends and fixed spaghetti, I ate some of that too.  Eating can definately be emotional, don't kid yourself for one second like I have for so long.  I did get lots done around here though, which probably kept me away from the kitchen even more. I washed lots of sheets and comforters. I thoroughly cleaned Trey's old room and moved another bed in it so now he and Tyler have a place to sleep when they come home.  I cleaned out the cabinet above the washer and rearranged the linens in the empty dresser in "the boys' room" (that is what I am going to call it now since they both have had that room at one time or another), I progressed greatly in Trav's old room (now to be know as "the massage room"). It should be functional by tonight when it will see it's first massage. And Travis is moved into his new space downstairs. And so the craft room has returned to the sub-basement where it all began.  I love it when it is so clean and organized.  Note to self:  clean and organize instead of eating.  Wow! What kind of results that would be!!

Week 3 - Day 18

Yesterday I stayed in the food plan and I "worked out".  Oh my gosh.  This old and overweight body was screaming very early on.  But I did it. I stuck to it and I did it. That is the really victory here.  Not even the weight loss (which IS the whole point) but sticking to something.  A trait I am not so great at. I would say I don't have it.  Anyway. I cooked up my lunch which turned out really good.  Then Travis came home and wanted some so I cooked him some.  Then Trey wanted some so I got it all out and cooked him some also. The point of this story is that I managed to do it all without "tasting" or "sampling" while I did it. Without telling myself it was good for me so it was ok to eat it.  Or just simply the fact that I GAVE it any thought at all. It seems silly I am sure, but it is a little victory for me.  I went to the Band potluck last night.  Potlucks are DANGEROUS for the dieter to say the least. Or at least someone like me.  There is so much good food to choose from.  It always feels like a "special occasion" so you want to try everything, just this time tonight.  After all it isn't everyday one gets treated to all this good home made food.  For once in my life, instead of looking at that glorious spread like a feast and a treat I must partake in by trying a little of everything and wishing I had the biggest chinet platter type plate, I just held my plate till I found the salad.  It wasn't even hard this time, because I just have made up my mind.  Food is just food. When you look at it differently, all of a sudden all that food almost seems rediculous and gross in a way because there is so much and so much waste also.  I am so grateful to be here in this place right now. I did still eat a piece of brownie when I got home though. AND I wrote it down.

Week 2 (day 15)

Joined a gym yesterday.  Stuck to plan today. Exercised 30 min. on treadmill.  Weight at gym I joined had me at 291 earlier this afternoon. Did I really gain 6 pounds? Or is the difference in scales? Or was something wrong last week?  I'm not going to get discouraged. I am still down overall.  I will weigh on the same scale from now on at the gym and try to weigh the same time of day.  I made myself go to the gym and get on that treadmill.  But I really hate being there.  I hate it that people can see me and I hate the whole walking thing.  I feel so awkward with buff gym people in the same place as me.  I will say on their behalf they are very nice and encouraging.  The exercise is so hard for me. Especially at a gym.  I just need to remind myself that if I keep going the rewards will come.  That if someone has something to say then so what.  I am not going to get there sitting on the couch.  So this is how it is.  Just like changing the way I eat.  I still feel embarrassed about going there. aaaarrrggghhh.....

Day13

Today's inspiration. Transformations like this are amazing to me.  Could I possibly be such a success story?? I....CAN.....NOT....WAIT!!!!!!!
http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Health/Diet-Nutrition/7-Weight-Loss-Transformations-Couples-Edition.html

Well now at the end of the day, I have gone over my count. 1914 cal. total.  I had an extra snack today.  I told myself I would eat less at supper and then I didn't.  Another lesson in why I need to stick to the plan.  I think maybe I should write it down immediately with calorie count to have it looking me in the face.  I have not be WRITING down, I have been typing in at the end of the day.  I did it very quickly without thinking and I was a little hyped up when I did it. I just need to settle down.  I am not getting all my water in.  It would help to get the water in because it helps fill me up.  I am learning though that I do eat when I am stressed.  Hmmm.

Some of our favorite friends from school.

Day 12 (Sunday)

Today was great!!!  I stayed on the plan even through Graduation, complete with snacks.  I am so motivated still that it hasn't even been too hard so far.  I know there will be challenges to come, but I am thinking it is so much about mindset and not just about food.  I graduated from Massage Therapy Training Institute today along with Trey.  What a great accomplishment for us both.  I am extremely happy to be finished and ready to move on to the next step. Building my new business.  With this change comes a few sad things too, though.  I will truly miss school and the people I got to know so well.  What a great change this has been for me.  I am so glad I did it.  And........Trey will moving out to Colorado. It is so bittersweet.  Of course I want my kids to spread their wings and be independent like I raised them to be, but I will miss his gorgeous face and funny antics that keep me smiling. He is ready, but it doesn't make my heart ache any less.  Now there will be 3 of my kids in Colorado, which is good for coordinating visits, but it is just too far away if you ask me.  But I will choose to look at all the good in it and stop feeling sorry for myself.  AND by golly I will not EAT to cover the pain.  NO WAY!!!

And let me not forget. This is going to be a great time with Travis.  He will be the center of attention and for once he will be the priority and number #1.  I love you Travis and I look forward to the next 2 years with you.

Day 11

Today was good.  I had a party tonight though and I didn't do terrible, but not great either. See when I go off plan then I don't know how many calories and fat and stuff so it is hard. However, I did the best I could in a couple of ways.  I have had a burger before so I knew how to count that, I wanted a glass of wine so I left out my afternoon snack, I had no idea the "calico dish" so I just took approximately 2 T of it and treated it like chili (after talking to the person who made it-that can tell alot), the shrimp wontons that I made I knew the cal count so that was easy.  All in all I stayed under 1800. However, I could feel myself slowly creeping into an old way of saying "How many times do you have a graduation party? It won't hurt to go off diet one night." Even friends saying "Oh you'll be ok one night." Before I went I just planned and I had my hubby agree to "approve" my plate before I ate.  It wasn't too hard because I am still so motivated, I just feel scared that maybe the count is wrong because of not knowing for sure.  As the contract states, I will not give up and be critical of myself. I am back on track right away.

Day 9 Thursday

I read today about 5 people who won their battles with weight and have kept it off for 5 years.  All in a little be different way.  Makes you think it is not the path or the way you do it , but the determination to finish and stick to it, or learning the emotional reasons behind all that weight gain. Went for my 2nd walk this week.  So hot and humid.  Maybe that means more calories burned?  Got all my water in today.  That is a feat in itself.

Day 10 Friday

http://kimbensen.com/about My inspiration of the day.  Thank you Ashley.  It helps so much to read inspiring stories.  I went out for the first time today with my husband for our Anniversary (27 years).  I was so fortunate that there was a "light" option on the menu and the chef said it was around 280 cal.  I am certain I will choose there when possible to eat out in the future.  That made me happy to be able to stick to my plan.  I miss my older kids today.  The ones that live far away.  But I will not give in and eat to soothe it.  Food does NOT rule my life.  My role as a parent, wife, and fulfilled person does not revolve around what I cook and what we eat. There are so many things to do with the time that is not spent in the kitchen.  I must look at it this way.  I love being a cook and being in the kitchen and taking care of my family that way, but I must also now make a choice and I choose longer life with those I love.

Week 1

I did it!! I really lost 9 pounds.  I can't believe it.  I had to weigh 4 times cause I thought surely the scales were messed up.  I have been on many diets but I have never taken off 9 pounds in 1 week.  Wow.  I am very happy.  It wasn't so bad either.  I had alot of food and I didn't feel hungry.  I still wanted bad food sometimes, but the contract kept me faithful.  It can be done.  1 week down, 103 to go.  Today's inspiration?
The scales.

Day 7

Today.  Great until I got home from work.  My total calorie intake was 1855. Way over 1500 and even over 1800.  So, my part of the bargain is to not get defeated and to keep going.  This is such a familiar feeling.  Screw up and throw in the towel.  I have worked the last 3 days at my nursing job and am reminded why I don't want to do it anymore, have come home to that old feeling of not having enough time to do the things I need and feeling stressed because I need the money. I can't massage yet till I get my license.  Can't get my license till I get my transcripts.  Waiting on school for that. aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh.  So lets have some potato chips, a whole avacado and an unplanned supper. That will make it all better. I knew it was bad news, but I told myself since I have a "range" I have room to add a couple things on this stressful day. I think I would like to cry right now. Ok. Enough.  See contract # 8. I will be kind to myself and begin again immediately.  That means I will finish my water, and go for my walk, and read something positive and inspiring.  And writing this all down seems to help. I think maybe it isn't really that I messed up the meal plan THAT bad, but the feelings associated with the flub up are what I really don't like.  I needed to take a big breath and plan before I ate.  Also the answer may have been to take that walk while stressed instead of eating supper.  I think it is.

Day 6

Today I stuck to meal plan again with a few exceptions.  Some cherries instead of snap peas, and I added a tbls. of butter to my baked potato. I cannot express enough how it helps to have a plan in place.  I worked today and it is a must to plan or I end up eating nothing or fast food.  Plan! Plan! Plan! It just has to be. If I were diabetic there would be no question about my insulin. I would have to make it a priority and budget enough money for it, not run out, and take the required amount.  If I had a horrific infected wound that would take months and much medication to heal, I would HAVE to do what was needed to heal it.  Changing my ways about eating and sticking to it are no different. 

Tyler added to the contract today. Now we are almost there (just waiting for Hunter, no pressure though,only if you want to).

I told my some of my coworkers today about the blog. And I told my best friend Jana, who supports me in everything.  It helps with accountability.  And my coworkers are great. I let the day get away and didn't walk.  I know this will be a challenge for me, but I WILL get my 3 times in.

Today I visited an elderly ill patient in her small apartment (because, like so many elderly, she can no longer live in her home) in the town where I work.  Despite her illness and handicaps, she was outgoing, gentle, kind, and bold.  She just came right out and asked me if I was a Christian.  I said yes and a conversation began that has stayed with me all day.  Before I knew it  we were talking about subject matter that was right on point with what is going on with me in my life right now.  She shared a book about healing she is listening to on tape and it discussed how illness stems from emotional problems in our lives.  She shared a bible verse, John 1:4 "In Him was life; and the life was the light of men." She stated that it had new meaning for her in understanding that without light (literally- as in the sun) we could not live and that God is the light. She was so excited about that and it so fit some things I have been researching and studying in my life.  I don't know if this makes sense, but what a blessing she was to me. And to think I, THE RN was getting paid to check on HER. That was my inspiration today.

My inspiring reading today

I found this on the Dr. Oz website.  It is recommended by Oprah.  I want this book. It looks amazing.
http://www.oprah.com/health/An-Excerpt-from-Geneen-Roths-Women-Food-And-God
or click on My inspiring reading today

Day 5 (Sunday)

Another successful day in sticking to the menu plan.  I can tell you that it definately helps (so far) to have it all planned out ahead of time.  And sticking to the plan perfectly at first is just what I have to do. I can't seem to deal with decisions right now so it is best that I just follow the plan and not think about it.  Today I am a little tired of salad and vegetables and it makes me a bit crabby. I am really not hungry, just wanting something but don't know what.  I guess this is when I just need to do something and take my mind off eating.  I wanted to snack on a some chips on the counter, and an open box of cheez its. I wanted one of the cookies at craft club today, but I just stayed away and the men helped by putting food away.  They are learning too.  So after supper, I got rid of food right away, and I just cleaned up, did the dishes and forgot about it.  It seems like I want to eat just because it is there sometimes.  Later on, when I am sticking to it and successful, I think I can handle a piece of cake occasionally or some ice cream.  But for now, I just am sticking to the plan no matter what. This is such a mind game.  I wonder if it could be compared to sports that say they are 10% physical and 90% mental (or however it goes)?

Day 4

Yippppeeee!!!! I passed my Massage Therapy test today!!!  I am so happy about that!!!  Just a few more steps and I will be working in a career that I am so excited about!!!  When I was driving home I was feeling so good and was thinking what is ahead for me.  I felt for the first time in I don't know when that I REALLY CAN do anything I set my mind to.  I have always told my kids that and I guess it is time for me to believe it as well.  I felt I could succeed as a Massage Therapist and at a new healthy life with a new body to show for it.  I can't wait!  As for the health plan, I read a most inspiring article in Shape magazine about someone alot like me, I shared my blog with my sister, and I stuck to the meal plan mostly.  I will be honest. I was hungry while cooking supper so I got out the cucumber and red pepper and snacked on it while I was cooking.  I ate 11 shrimp instead of 10 like I was supposed to and I ate 1/4 cup more rice and it was white instead of brown.  All in all pretty good though.  I noticed that I wanted to "celebrate" my test passing by going out to eat.  And I had a lot of nervous energy this afternoon and that made me want to eat as well. I drank water which helped. I am struggling with the required amount of water but I am getting at least half of it in.  I will need to turn that nervous energy into activity.  I tried to start a cleaning project, but it is so big, I just did a little and decided to make cards for craft club tomorrow instead.  This is also a great way to release that energy I think.  I talked to all my kids and husband today and that is always good. 

Day 3

The contract is waiting two more signatures, but verbal has been received from all. My patient husband, Brad, my fabulous daughter, Ashley, who is truly excited and her dear supportive husband, Hunter, my eldest son, Tyler, who loves my honesty and transparency, my middle son Trey, who is encouraging my walks (and says he will walk around shirtless to remind me of a true speciman of health), and my very sweet son, Travis, who pledged to clean up around the house more to relieve some stress.

It is all so encouraging.  I can't do it without them.  This is definately one factor that will make this diet be the one that works.  I mean, life style change not diet. I have never felt like so many were on my team before. Usually I am at it alone, because, after all, it is my problem.  But how grateful I am to have involved them.  I knew they would flood me with support, love, and encouragement so I can't possibly fail. 

Well I stuck to the plan today except for adding an extra cucumber in there.  But then again, I did stick to the plan because if I have to put something in my mouth it will be a vegetable or fruit. I packed exactly what I would eat while away at work (which was easy because it was "mapped out") and after supper asked if someone else would put away the food (so I wouldn't be tempted to cheat and take bites) then I would do the dishes.  They were most helpful. I switched 30 minutes of Yoga for the walk because it so blooming hot and humid outside.  That is something I hope to get good at because I love it.  But right now, let me tell you, it is NOT easy for this big girl to do.  But I am not giving up.

The 2 year plan is up (as I see it now). I plan to stick this plan, just may tweak it a little along the way.

I take my Massage & Bodywork Licensing Exam tomorrow.  I will not let that stress me and cause me to eat wrongly.  I just won't do it.

Day 2

Well I stayed under 1800 calories but I prefer 1500. But that is why the range so I don't get too discouraged. I went to the grocery store for about 2 1/2 hours which all the exercise I did today.  Still with in my plan.  So this is good.  I won't lie though, I so wanted to buy the ice cream that is so good and was on sale for a great price. After all it is for the boys right? They are the ones that will eat it. Not me. (said in my most sarcastic voice) I noticed 2 times "taking a bite" when I really didn't need to tonight.  Thankful I noticed.  Also, did not map out the meal plan today.  So it was a tad harder.  I am definately going to make that a priority.  Now that I have all my groceries for the week that should be very easy.  I have heard from the kids and they are all on board.  Now to get the contract signed.  Hope to have that tomorrow. Then I plan to share my 2 year plan.  I am wanting to truly feel like this is it.  Fear creeps up in me though that, like a million times before, I will fail. But I am not giving up. I refuse.

Pros and Cons of Losing Weight

PROS

• decrease blood pressure and swelling and eliminate medication
• decrease current high risk for health problems
• decrease discomfort, eventually eliminate it
• breathe easier
• garden easier because my size won't be an issue
• increase my energy and not be so tired all the time
• decrease feeling of being self-conscious of my size everywhere I go
• live longer, better, happier, funner, etc. etc. and on and on
• be able to wear clothes that I like and not just settle for those that will fit
• feel "freer" because I can move better
• be more active because I am not lugging around all those extra pounds
• be able to be more active with my kids and future grandchildren
• increase self-esteem
• be able to massage better and for a longer time (would be able to meet several goals in this area alone)
• truly be me
• more smiles, more happiness
• break free of the chains that have been holding me down for so long!

CONS

• hard to do-a lot of effort
• not fast -will take time
• will never be able to eat whatever I want whenever I want
• maybe a little scared of who I might really be underneath-what if those I love don't like the new me?

The Contract

The contract is in it first draft. It has been sent for approval and pledge commitments. I will anxiously await the replies. Next I will work on my pros and cons list of losing weight.

Getting Started.

I am about to embark on a journey through weight loss and hope to end, make that WILL end in the land of healthy living. And I mean LIVING. I have struggled with my weight, seriously, since after the birth of my 4th child. I was bigger then (17 years ago) than I had ever been and I am now 50 pounds heavier than I was 9 months pregnant then. My story is not unlike many you have probably heard or read. I wasn't always overweight, but when the pounds started coming they just kept coming. I would lose off and on, and then gain back. My biggest problem over the years has been STICKING to it. I have used every excuse known to man. And finally, I have awakened to something I can't even describe. I AM TIRED OF BEING FAT! I am tired of being tired, sick of being sick. I am through being ashamed and unattractive. I never want to feel trapped inside this body anymore. I don't know for sure what it is that hit me over the head like a ton of bricks, but I am done. Through this journey, maybe I will finally learn why I seemed to want to stay this way for so long.

To get started, I am asking my family to help me with a signed contract that includes a plan with measurable goals from me and a statement from them about how they will be making a supportive commitment to me. When that is finished I will share. Look on Friday (that is my goal to get it finished).